It takes TWO to Tango and it takes Two to Not.
Both partners contribute to the Love or lack of Love for both
themselves and the relationship.
Paul says he knows Sarah is his soulmate. He is deeply in love with her and trusts that one day she will feel the same. He sends her poems, food, flowers and there is no other woman he cares for. Sarah says: "I love you Paul, just not in that way. We can be friends."
Reality: Neither of them wants to be together in a lasting loving partnership. Paul is not in love with Sarah - He is in love with the deep desire he feels. When he gets to a place where he loves himself more deeply, his desire will attract someone who shares what it takes to accumulate enough complementary chi to co-create an intimate loving
partnership.
Fear is often brought out in our relationships as a reminder of what we truly value. If one fears abandonment or confinement in a relationship, there are two healthy options:
1) Resolve the fear, which brings people closer and is the reason why it comes up in the first place-to bring people closer together
2) Accept that the fear is a signal to Love in a different way.
It takes one person to love AND it takes two people who love themselves to be in a lasting loving relationship.
Each person can express love and that love can influence the other person
Instead of changing someone's behavior, by changing our response and attitude to the other's behavior, we bring love to the relationship.
E.g. - John is too tired to take out the garbage after 10 pm. Mary is afraid to do it and gets upset that it sits all night in the kitchen. Instead of changing John, Mary looks within and resolves in herself that nothing will happen to her and starts taking out the garbage.... John sees this and for some uncanny reason decides that if Mary can do it so can he... and they both end up taking the turns with garbage removal.
Forget the shoulds, the judgments, I am right? Who is wrong?
Leave out the primal separation of ego and listen.. en joy the
resulting sweet song
If you ask people to write a list of what they would like to improve their relationship, you will see wishes like: I wish my partner would communicate more with me or I wish my partner would be neater... and any number of requests that try to change the other.
I wish the _______ (the other person) would ________(fill in the wish)
Basing our love and happiness on the behavior of an other disempowers our personal path to feeling and expressing self - love and is a sure step to sabotaging our relationship.
Remember:No one can change an other person
Everything we want an other to do is a reflection of something inside ourselves that desires attention and improvement
Instead of needing and trying to get Richard to communicate to others without sarcastic criticism, Jane can find that place in herself that accepts Richard's communication style. After all, she knows he really means no harm by it. She can also recognize that avoiding sarcastic criticism reflects an aspect of herself that she is trying to be better at. As long as it is one of Janes's issues, she will continue to be bothered by it. And the easiest way to feel the shift is for Jane to *GENUINELY change her reaction to Richard's style by not taking it personally and to focus on her own desire to communicate differently.
Make a list of things you would like your partner to do, accept your partner for being him/herself and be more conscious of changing those qualities in your self.
You may be surprised how the shift of being in you own needs takes the focus off needing something from your partner and paradoxically influences your partner to also share in making changes. We can also without accusation or expectation, *GENUINELY request or simply give our partner a heads up of the change.
"Richard, I would really enjoy having less sarcasm around the house. Would you be into that too? OR
"Richard, I would really enjoy having less sarcasm around the house.
I'm going to cool my use of it.
Sally, does that mean you expect me to nicer (spoken sarcastically)?
Honey I love you the way you are. This is a choice I'm making for myself and I simply want you to know how I feel.
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